there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
