I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
