The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
