just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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