I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
