I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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