During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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