We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
