Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
