I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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