I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
