Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
