i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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