my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
