Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
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