My hand turned me down
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
