Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
