PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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