youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
