he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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