OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
