I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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