Your face is a jimmy john
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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