i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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