True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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