GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my poor anus
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
