Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
