If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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