There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize