I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This is the high leading the old right now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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