I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
