p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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