So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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