Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
