I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
