somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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