i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
