I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize