hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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