I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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