While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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