you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
