im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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