I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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