found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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