watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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