apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
