Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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