my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
