you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize