ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
did i just pee glitter
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
