Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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