Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize