tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
