We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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