He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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