i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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