i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
